Yesterday, I sat down with yet another doctor to talk about the story of this curve.
About how a titanium rod was screwed in to help straighten it when I was a freshman in high school. About how a decade later, I felt a frightening snap. About how after going from doctor to doctor to doctor — begging for months for someone to figure out why I was suddenly in so much pain — I woke up one morning and couldn’t move my knee. Then later felt a mysterious bump. Then, after being told by multiple doctors “not to worry about it”, eventually discovered that half of my scoliosis rod had somehow broken off…and (unheard of) come unscrewed…and (crazier yet) “migrated” down past dozens of critical organs, where it was lodged in my calf muscle.
Yyyyeah.
The radiologists clustered around the x-ray machine that day told me it was impossible. The nurses told me it was a miracle that I was alive. The orthopedic surgeon on call broke the news that — contrary to what we had originally been told — my spinal fusion a decade before had actually failed, leaving my spine unstable. But that unfortunately, it was too dangerous to re-operate and see if the remaining half of the rod was still screwed in tightly.
Ever since, this curve has haunted me. I try hard not to think much about it. But every time my back pops, or I twist an inch too far in yoga, or think about the next 5…15…50 years, I worry about that rod. And say my thousandth prayer that it stays snugly in place.
Ever since, this curve also just hurts. Most days, it’s a chronic ache that I’ve learned over the years to live with. Some days when I push too hard, it lights my entire back on fire and clears my calendar. Some days I forget all about it, although those days are fewer as I grow older.
Ever since, this curve is also my most visible reminder of the sheer preciousness of life. I used to look in the mirror and only see asymmetry and scars. But today, I see a strong body that still gives me the extravagant gift of being able to walk, travel, do my job, and go on living.
It’s the one precious body I’ve been given. And even though we’ve had a complicated relationship, I’m learning how to fear it less and love it more. And be so very grateful. ♡
How did I not know?Oh friend, I am praying. You know I am here for you! Have they tried PRP on the muscles around the curve? I’m sure you’ve tried everything, but just know I’m here. <3
You are a warrior! I’ve got stenosis, bulging disks and arthritis up and down my spine. I cannot imagine what your pain level must be!
But…. your back is beautiful and a testament to the war you are fighting! God bless you.
Thank you for your post. I struggle daily with back pain from scoliosis. As I get older it hurts more often. I can’t tolerate work or standing or riding in a car…swimming is the only activity that makes me feel better. I appreciate your courage to share and your maturity to be thankful.
Oh my goodness!!! Is the piece still in your leg? You have such a great attitude about it all. Praying your body stays healthy and strong.??❤️
Hugs!! As an old rehab nurse…I understand your challenges…Barb
I just finished reading this post. Your story is incredible.
I too live with fear of my body giving out on me.
My fear can intensify at night. Like you, it comes and goes.
I had a pulmonary embolism eight years ago, my filter was never removed. I’m told it could also migrate. But my biggest fear is losing my legs. My veins are very compromised. I’ve had people ask me what happened, if I’m wearing capris. Enough of my story. Your attitude is exceptional and an encouragement to me. I do need to be grateful for my body.
This post came at the right time for me.
I had a knee replacement five months ago and am still in pain.
Part of my healing process is slow because of my poor circulation. My other knee will be replaced this January and I’m dreading the surgery. Now I have a new outlook, thank you.
Your post also made me think of how many people in our world struggle with hidden day to day seemingly insurmountable fears!
Karen
Thank you for posting a very personal part of you.
Great post!
Please! Try Mayo Clinic in Rochester Minnesota!
Since I’ve read your post from Tuesday, you have been on my mind and in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story. I will continue to pray for you.
Sorry to learn of your ongoing medical issues and pain. . As mentioned by another commentor, at some point you may want to consider a visit to Mayo Clinic. They specialize in challenging cases. They use a team approach so the doctors/specialists talk to each other. Family members have benefited from a trip to Rochester Mn. (home of Mayo) as have I. A Ken Burns TV special on Mayo was broadcast on PBS last month. A good video story that is available online. Discusses the history of the clinic and their team approach that places the patient first.