Yesterday, I sat down with yet another doctor to talk about the story of this curve.
About how a titanium rod was screwed in to help straighten it when I was a freshman in high school. About how a decade later, I felt a frightening snap. About how after going from doctor to doctor to doctor — begging for months for someone to figure out why I was suddenly in so much pain — I woke up one morning and couldn’t move my knee. Then later felt a mysterious bump. Then, after being told by multiple doctors “not to worry about it”, eventually discovered that half of my scoliosis rod had somehow broken off…and (unheard of) come unscrewed…and (crazier yet) “migrated” down past dozens of critical organs, where it was lodged in my calf muscle.
Yyyyeah.
The radiologists clustered around the x-ray machine that day told me it was impossible. The nurses told me it was a miracle that I was alive. The orthopedic surgeon on call broke the news that — contrary to what we had originally been told — my spinal fusion a decade before had actually failed, leaving my spine unstable. But that unfortunately, it was too dangerous to re-operate and see if the remaining half of the rod was still screwed in tightly.
Ever since, this curve has haunted me. I try hard not to think much about it. But every time my back pops, or I twist an inch too far in yoga, or think about the next 5…15…50 years, I worry about that rod. And say my thousandth prayer that it stays snugly in place.
Ever since, this curve also just hurts. Most days, it’s a chronic ache that I’ve learned over the years to live with. Some days when I push too hard, it lights my entire back on fire and clears my calendar. Some days I forget all about it, although those days are fewer as I grow older.
Ever since, this curve is also my most visible reminder of the sheer preciousness of life. I used to look in the mirror and only see asymmetry and scars. But today, I see a strong body that still gives me the extravagant gift of being able to walk, travel, do my job, and go on living.
It’s the one precious body I’ve been given. And even though we’ve had a complicated relationship, I’m learning how to fear it less and love it more. And be so very grateful. ♡
You are so brave, and have such a great outlook. What an inspiration. My hope for all of us is that physicians everywhere will read posts like this and learn to listen to their patients better. My hope for you is that advances in orthopedics will enable you to be pain (and worry) free in the future. Thanks for this.
Wow! I’ve had severe back issues for 50 years now, ever since my back gave out while shoveling ash in the flues under a blast furnace in a steel mill (my last summer job). It was then that they discovered my severe roto-scoliosis, the worst my chiropractor has ever seen. I’ve been seeing him three times a week for almost as long as he’s been in practice…25 years now. He provides me relief from my extreme pain, which it sounds like you’ve lived with almost your entire life. I understand your pain. Your story is precisely why I’ve shunned surgery for this entire time. Hopefully, knowing you’re not alone out there will provide you some comfort as you live with your pain. The rest of us are pulling for you!
So brave and refreshingly upbeat. Anyone suffering from chronic pain will benefit from your perspective and optimism. I love your blog and have been making your recipes for my family, so we all love you. Now when I make one of your recipes, we will include you in our pre-meal prayer. Your Potato Soup is on my list this week, so feel the love!
One would never know what pain you endure due to the bright smile always on your face. It is a lesson to all of us to keep smiling. Thank you for sharing.
You’r a beautiful and strong young woman with great drive and determination. I hope that Dr.’s will find a way to correct your medical situation so that you can continue doing the things you enjoy with ease.
You are so inspirational. Puts things in perspective for me. Guess my little aches and pains are not so bad after all. Thank you for sharing your story and strength. Thank you for sharing wonderful recipes even though struggling through pain and anxiety. You are in my prayers.
That’s an incredible story. Thank you for sharing and, especially for sharing your thankfulness, even in the midst of pain and an uncertain future. I pray that God will bless you, will keep the remaining rod securely in place, and give you many more good days than bad!
Oh my goodness! My jaw dropped reading this post. Have you had second and third opinions if you can have another surgery! I cannot imagine the pain and fear you live in every day! *hugs*
I’m so sorry that you’re having to live with this pain. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and pray that you find your relief. I so enjoy your recipes and getting to peek into your life, keep up the great work!
God bless you! Thanks for sharing your struggles and beautiful thoughts. You are a strong and talented young lady.