Yesterday, I sat down with yet another doctor to talk about the story of this curve.
About how a titanium rod was screwed in to help straighten it when I was a freshman in high school. About how a decade later, I felt a frightening snap. About how after going from doctor to doctor to doctor — begging for months for someone to figure out why I was suddenly in so much pain — I woke up one morning and couldn’t move my knee. Then later felt a mysterious bump. Then, after being told by multiple doctors “not to worry about it”, eventually discovered that half of my scoliosis rod had somehow broken off…and (unheard of) come unscrewed…and (crazier yet) “migrated” down past dozens of critical organs, where it was lodged in my calf muscle.
Yyyyeah.
The radiologists clustered around the x-ray machine that day told me it was impossible. The nurses told me it was a miracle that I was alive. The orthopedic surgeon on call broke the news that — contrary to what we had originally been told — my spinal fusion a decade before had actually failed, leaving my spine unstable. But that unfortunately, it was too dangerous to re-operate and see if the remaining half of the rod was still screwed in tightly.
Ever since, this curve has haunted me. I try hard not to think much about it. But every time my back pops, or I twist an inch too far in yoga, or think about the next 5…15…50 years, I worry about that rod. And say my thousandth prayer that it stays snugly in place.
Ever since, this curve also just hurts. Most days, it’s a chronic ache that I’ve learned over the years to live with. Some days when I push too hard, it lights my entire back on fire and clears my calendar. Some days I forget all about it, although those days are fewer as I grow older.
Ever since, this curve is also my most visible reminder of the sheer preciousness of life. I used to look in the mirror and only see asymmetry and scars. But today, I see a strong body that still gives me the extravagant gift of being able to walk, travel, do my job, and go on living.
It’s the one precious body I’ve been given. And even though we’ve had a complicated relationship, I’m learning how to fear it less and love it more. And be so very grateful. ♡
Ali, it pained me to read this post. After following your blog with interest as a bright spot in my day it came as such a surprise to learn of what you’ve lived with and not given a hint. Thank you for sharing with your readers, I’m sure it isn’t easy. I wish for you that you find relief and perhaps a resolution.
I am in tears from this heart-felt sharing. I am sending you much love and support with my thoughts — what a brave and courageous person you are, for enduring, for seeking truth, and for being able to combine your vulnerability and strength to disclose this personal challenge. For the many readers who also suffer constant pain from their body, I thank you for your honesty and generosity, whether it’s the joy you have found in life or the constant challenges you face, your sharing does benefit us all immensely. Thank you for creating this fellowship of readers who can now support you! Wishing you the best as you continue on this journey.
This really touched me. I had major back surgery (plate and screws) in my lower back several years’ ago to fix numbness in one side of my body. Well, that surgery fixed the problem, but only weeks’ after the surgery, I began having chronic pain in my mid-back…it is a burning pain like your pain. I have been told by 3 doctors that it is arthritis, disc problems, and not operable. I just made an appointment with another Dr. after years of suffering, back injections that don’t work, wearing a tens unit, back braces, etc…
I, like you, count my blessings every day and do as much as I can on the feel better days, and rest on the bad ones. I am hoping and praying for some help in the future, and I will also be praying for you. Stay strong!
I am totally in shock after reading today’s blog. I love everything you do in your blog and wish you a lifetime of success and good health. Goodness gracious!
Hi Ali
Its our life experiences that make us what we are. Sometimes I wonder why we have these challenges in our lives and then I hear a story like yours it it helps me understand better. Thanks for posting this, I’ll remember you in my prayers.
Bye, Bob G
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story on World Spine Day. I pray you find an easier road! In the meantime, so glad you are LIVING with it and not being entirely defined by it.
God Bless
When I’m recipe searching and your blog comes up, I always know the result will be a delicious recipe for my collection that my family will request frequently! Now knowing you create all these recipes and write beautiful posts while in chronic pain I can guarantee I will say a prayer for you every time your recipes/blog come my way. Praying for strength and comfort and answers. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story with us!
You are an amazing women.
I totally understand. 4 years ago my spine collapsed at L4, L5 and S1. I had surgery 2 years ago after dealing with horrific pain. Now my L3 is having issues and the pain I unbearable. I hate to talk to much about it and make a focus for my family. But now my L3 had deteriorated enough I am a candidate for more surgery which isn’t good. I am praying for a miracle so I don’t have to do it but the pain is bad. I hope you can get through it but I hope if you have surgery it is successful. Good luck to both of us and I will pray for you. Good luck. :)
You are very brave. I have had two back surgeries, both with more rods and long recoveries. Now more disc issues and pain but I refuse to consider more surgery.
I love your posts and recipes but can’t believe that you do all of this and live in a foreign despite it all!!!!! Keep up the positive attitude. We are all praying for you!!!!
Love
Suellen