I never quite know when those moments will come, when the weight of being single will come crashing down upon my chest.
Those moments have been fewer and farther between over the past few years.
But without fail, they always come.
And boy, they’ll knock the wind out of you.
The moments
For me, it’s always moments. I’ve never been one to really get down and stay down for days or weeks on end about being single. It’s more random moments that hit fast and hit hard, and then take awhile to process and bounce back from.
I wish I could say that I have learned over the years to predict when those moments will come. Sure, there are some of the obvious triggers like weddings, or holidays, or even just scrolling through Facebook feeds filled with happy couples and babies and families galore. But more often than not, it is the tiniest of things that unexpectedly cause a catch in my throat and fill my eyes with tears. Like watching a couple I’m with exchange a knowing look and smile. Or coming home with some great news with no one there waiting. Or waking up for the thousandth morning in a row next to an empty pillow. Or walking into church or a party or gathering alone. Or watching freaking Parenthood, where even watching the roller coaster of those relationships leaves me wishing I had a Joel or Adam or Crosby of my own.
It’s like grief, the way those feelings sneak up on you without warning and then instantly overtake you. And while sometimes I’m in public or in the middle of a project and have to just block out those feelings and press on, I have learned from experience over the years that it’s best to just ride out the wave. And not overanalyze everything. Because after days or weeks or years of staying strong and holding it together, usually the best thing in the world is to yield to the grief and let it out.
The grief
For those who aren’t single, I know it might sound melodramatic to associate being single with grief. But I have come to believe that’s exactly what it is at times.
Let me be clear. I love my life, single and all. And I have written a handful of times on here before about how I’ve found many things about the single life to be empowering and awesome. And I absolutely believe in living life — wherever it finds you — to the fullest. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still would love to be married, and that I have dreamed dreams and hoped hopes over the years that simply were left unmet. And I grieve those things.
I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to experience young love and marriage like so many of my friends, and alongside so many of those friends. I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to meet my husband when we were in the smooth-skinned, wrinkle-free, heads-full-of-hair, bursting-with-energy “prime” of our youth. I grieve that a guy never got to see me lead worship in my first job, and I never got to cheer him on with his first promotion, and stay up late dreaming and planning where our careers would lead. I grieve that we didn’t get to choose all of our “firsts” together — first city, first home, first set of pots and pans, first Craigslisted-couch, first dog, first car, first broken toilet that we fix together, and on and on. I grieve that — even if I do meet someone — we will in some ways be years behind so many of my peers in experiencing all of those “firsts” of marriage, and being newlyweds, and starting a family, and quite simply just getting to really know everything about each other. I grieve that my age is becoming an increasing factor in whether or not having kids of our own would even be possible. I grieve that there is no one on the horizon.
Sure, I can play devil’s advocate on all of these. And I often do with myself, because I absolutely know that the years I’ve been single have (for the most) part been wonderful. And if a guy does happen to come along in the future, I also know that relationship will be great in its own special way. But that doesn’t discount the fact that I had dreams of how I hoped things would go. And when those dreams or prayers were not answered as I had hoped, something deep inside me just aches.
The heartache
Really, that’s the best word I can use to describe the really hard days and moments that I have being single. It’s heartache, in the most literal and emotional way. You know the feeling, when a weight presses down on your chest so hard that you can barely breathe, and then somehow buries deep into your soul? That kind of ache.
It’s not really jealousy. Trust me, I struggle with jealousy and comparison in all sorts of other areas of life. But with relationships, I’ve strangely always been encouraged by watching other good marriages. It’s also not really anger either. Occasionally I get mad about the situation and vent to friends or have it out with God. But even with God, as counter-whatever it may seem, I’ve always felt like He gets that grief more than anyone. And He has seen me through so many years and I don’t doubt He will continue to do so. So there’s no one or nothing really to be mad at.
No, I think the main thing I feel is just that ache of sadness. Sad that I’m still walking this road. Sad that it is downright exhausting at times doing life on your own. Sad that I have absolutely no idea or hint of what lies ahead. Sad because I would just love the chance to love. Sad that there’s a decent chance that might never happen for me.
Some days, my heart just aches.
The response
I’m not going to package this up with a nice pretty bow and a list of 5 steps for how to handle these moments. Because if I read that in someone else’s post, it would probably make me cringe. But mostly because, like I said, I honestly don’t think there’s a ton to “do”.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I call a friend, sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just snuggle with my dog, sometimes I make myself a bowl of my favorite egg drop soup. But most times, I try my best to just be present in the moment and listen to my heart. Sometimes a specific issue will rise to the surface about being single that I need to deal with, maybe on my own, or with God, or something I should bring up with a group of friends or a therapist or something. But I’ve come to find that most of the time, I’m usually just sad and that’s all there is to it.
And that’s ok.
So yeah. I’m still that someone who’s all about enjoying life being single, and feeling empowered and chasing after dreams and living life to the fullest. But I’m also someone who has spent plenty of time in the valleys, learning the outlines of the shadows that come with this territory when all seems lost. And I’ve come to believe these moments are just as important as the highs.
But as my old pastor used to say, the worst thing is never the last thing. And somehow, the light and joy that come with the morning always come again. Always.
So to any of you dear friends who find yourself in the midst of those hard days, I raise my glass to you and the courage and strength it takes to get through. And I offer that you’re not alone. And remind you — and myself — that it will get better.
It will.
Today im feeling exactly the same emotions. This article is giving me some hope that it will be fine. It has always been, after bouts of sadness, i go back living my really great single life. I achieve so much everyday but still some days feel so lonely. Thanks for beautifully putting together the emotions we feel on days like these.
I find comfort in knowing I’m not the only one grieving <3
Some days it feels relentless, the empty feeling. Being surrounded by so many people celebrating and cherishing their spouse and children, I feel lost and alone.
Day after day, rolls into year after year. As each year passes, it feels like my chances shrink more and more.
Hope feels hard to come by, like the last bit of light vanishing over the horizon as the sun sets.
Only those of us who have lived this can understand.
Knowing I'm not the only one, the forgotten, is so comforting. :)
Thank you!
Exactly what I’m going through and . Tired of doing life alone & trying to deal with this prolonged grief of broken dreams and myth of love you only see others experience. #leftbehind
I totally agree!! <3 Sometimes it feels like no one understands.
Ali,
I know this is an older post from more than 3 years ago, but I just wanted to offer my thanks to you for writing this beautiful piece that echoes my own feelings at this point in my life. I’m a 33 year-old man, been told I’m handsome and have a kind soul, in great physical condition (I’m a marathon runner) have a bustling career as a writer and enjoy a full slate of social activities tied to my interests of karaoke, photography and running…and despite all of that great stuff in my life, I have no one special to share that life with. Your paragraphs on both moments and grief completely encapsulated *everything* that I’m feeling at the present time. Though my friends and family are well-intentioned, almost none of them have been single in their 30’s and the place where I’m at now is completely foreign to them…just as their long-term relationships and marriages are to me, I suppose.
My close friends are now all married and have children (with the exception of 2) , and in the fall, my younger brother will have been married for 7 years already and has 2 children of his own. I’m a 3rd, 5th, 7th or 9th Wheel in a lot of social situations…forever playing the role of “The Best Man”, “The Groomsman”, “The Uncle”, etc. I’ve tried meeting people through shared interests and activities, and every meetup and online dating app known to humankind. I’m doing my best to avoid falling into the trap of comparison, but it’s getting to the point where I’m genuinely dreading family functions and other special occasions, since it means having to dodge or deflect the inevitable questions as to where my significant other is (or isn’t). I’ve had the desire to one day be a husband and father for just about my entire life, and this unfulfilled existence I’m currently living hurts me more deeply than anything I’ve ever experienced. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep this up…
Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I feel the pain in your words, I am very familiar with the feeling. The devastation that comes with each year that passes. Just the other day I went walking with a friend and as I listened to her talk about the future and the things that she and her family are planning to do in the next few years, I realized that I used to do that, and now, after so many years of disappointment, I’ve stopped hoping/planning for the coming years. I am at the mercy of time. Like a horrible waiting game, will I ever have a husband or will I have to endure this life as a party of one.
It’s true, I am trying to live my life to the fullest. A husband won’t define me or my happiness, nor will he solve all my problems but having someone to share life with, someone to witness my life, to endure burdens together, my heart yearns for it. To travel with and share new experiences with, to love and cherish, to parent with, to learn and grow with… such a hole sits in my chest, and expands with each tick of the clock, each flip of the calendar page.
I completely understand the feeling of beginning to dread family/friend gatherings for the sheer exhaustion and discomfort of having to answer all the questions that will ensue, like a horrible skipping record, person after person. Seeing the look of pity in the eyes of friends and family, as each time we gather together and they ask for updates with such hope and caring only to hear that nothing has changed, a little bit of my heart dying yet again.
I think the hardest part is that there isn’t anything I can do to make my beloved appear or speed up our meeting. There isn’t a 6 step program that will guarantee if I follow it that I will find my other half. I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark, trying to feel my way through the pitch black of life.
It is such comfort to know that I am not the only one. Thank you for that. :)
My 32 year old, beautiful, kind, accomplished single daughter sent me this and said “it’s like she wrote my heart!!” I am weeping because I love that you didn’t put a bandaid of solutions on a gaping wound. It is grief. Our middle daughter lost her first (and so far only) baby at birth last year and that is a grief like no other but she said to me the other day “how I feel around people with babies or pregnant is probably exactly how Ash feels around Travis and I. It’s all grief.” So thank you. Beautifully said.
I love you. Jesus loves you. Everything will be alright. You will get a crown of life. Thank you for being so kind, open hearted and honest. Your post has ministered to many people and I pray the LORD sends you a good husband today. If it’s His will, may the door open wide. God bless you Sister.
With Love and Compassion,
Danielle
If I never meet you in this life, I’ll see you in glory! <3 ❤️
Well as a single good man that is in my early sixties which i had been married once before thinking that it was going to last but unfortunately it never did because of her cheating ways. Most women who cheat will always be such pathetic low life losers altogether since they have broken up many good marriages already and will continue to do so unfortunately. And i was a very good husband to my wife as well which it still wasn’t good enough for her either. Now single and still alone is the hardest part of all especially since i never had children but i did always want them too which makes it even worse for me as well. Most marriages in the old days did last a very long time since it was the very best time to find real love in those days when both men and women were very committed to one another and really made their marriage work as well. Today it is like looking for a needle in a haystack or trying to hit the lottery which for many of us good innocent men that would’ve been married had we been born in a different era back then when the real good old fashioned women were around since they very much made it happen back then. Love did come very easy back then which i can certainly see how very blessed that our family members were since that was the real time for finding love in those days that unfortunately are all gone now.
Well being Alone every single time would do it.
Grief? Yes, for sure. It has been my lifelong dream to be in a loving partnership and have a house bustling with children. I am now approaching menopause and literally grieving the loss of a lifelong dream, children, motherhood. And there are those who say, “Well you can do it on your own with in-vitro fertilization, or adopt.” But, cost aside (because I can not afford it with my single person’s income), I don’t want to do it on my own. That is not the picture. The picture includes a wonderful partner, creating a collaborative family. Being a single mother is still being single.
Ah, and I hate the response from married and childed friends to my lonely state: “Oh, I wish I could have some time alone!”
I am sure you do, but we are not comparing my life to yours, we are comparing my life to my hopes. There are fewer of us single people out there than those who are coupled and familied. And when we are together, it is as if it is a secret “bad” thing to talk about the woes of singlehood. As if to admit that there are woes is a admitting to a social disease.
Thank you so much for writing this and putting it out there for all (non-single, and single people to read). One of the things that I find very hard about being single is not having someone who you know you can count on to help when you need it. I am recovering from pneumonia. I was in bed for 10 days without a person who I knew would be there to make me soup, pick up cough medicine at the store, buy groceries, take me to a doctor’s appointment, or just hold my hand through this scary illness. Navigating the ship alone is a daunting task, even in the best of times. When one is down, it is both demoralizing and difficult.