I never quite know when those moments will come, when the weight of being single will come crashing down upon my chest.
Those moments have been fewer and farther between over the past few years.
But without fail, they always come.
And boy, they’ll knock the wind out of you.
The moments
For me, it’s always moments. I’ve never been one to really get down and stay down for days or weeks on end about being single. It’s more random moments that hit fast and hit hard, and then take awhile to process and bounce back from.
I wish I could say that I have learned over the years to predict when those moments will come. Sure, there are some of the obvious triggers like weddings, or holidays, or even just scrolling through Facebook feeds filled with happy couples and babies and families galore. But more often than not, it is the tiniest of things that unexpectedly cause a catch in my throat and fill my eyes with tears. Like watching a couple I’m with exchange a knowing look and smile. Or coming home with some great news with no one there waiting. Or waking up for the thousandth morning in a row next to an empty pillow. Or walking into church or a party or gathering alone. Or watching freaking Parenthood, where even watching the roller coaster of those relationships leaves me wishing I had a Joel or Adam or Crosby of my own.
It’s like grief, the way those feelings sneak up on you without warning and then instantly overtake you. And while sometimes I’m in public or in the middle of a project and have to just block out those feelings and press on, I have learned from experience over the years that it’s best to just ride out the wave. And not overanalyze everything. Because after days or weeks or years of staying strong and holding it together, usually the best thing in the world is to yield to the grief and let it out.
The grief
For those who aren’t single, I know it might sound melodramatic to associate being single with grief. But I have come to believe that’s exactly what it is at times.
Let me be clear. I love my life, single and all. And I have written a handful of times on here before about how I’ve found many things about the single life to be empowering and awesome. And I absolutely believe in living life — wherever it finds you — to the fullest. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still would love to be married, and that I have dreamed dreams and hoped hopes over the years that simply were left unmet. And I grieve those things.
I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to experience young love and marriage like so many of my friends, and alongside so many of those friends. I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to meet my husband when we were in the smooth-skinned, wrinkle-free, heads-full-of-hair, bursting-with-energy “prime” of our youth. I grieve that a guy never got to see me lead worship in my first job, and I never got to cheer him on with his first promotion, and stay up late dreaming and planning where our careers would lead. I grieve that we didn’t get to choose all of our “firsts” together — first city, first home, first set of pots and pans, first Craigslisted-couch, first dog, first car, first broken toilet that we fix together, and on and on. I grieve that — even if I do meet someone — we will in some ways be years behind so many of my peers in experiencing all of those “firsts” of marriage, and being newlyweds, and starting a family, and quite simply just getting to really know everything about each other. I grieve that my age is becoming an increasing factor in whether or not having kids of our own would even be possible. I grieve that there is no one on the horizon.
Sure, I can play devil’s advocate on all of these. And I often do with myself, because I absolutely know that the years I’ve been single have (for the most) part been wonderful. And if a guy does happen to come along in the future, I also know that relationship will be great in its own special way. But that doesn’t discount the fact that I had dreams of how I hoped things would go. And when those dreams or prayers were not answered as I had hoped, something deep inside me just aches.
The heartache
Really, that’s the best word I can use to describe the really hard days and moments that I have being single. It’s heartache, in the most literal and emotional way. You know the feeling, when a weight presses down on your chest so hard that you can barely breathe, and then somehow buries deep into your soul? That kind of ache.
It’s not really jealousy. Trust me, I struggle with jealousy and comparison in all sorts of other areas of life. But with relationships, I’ve strangely always been encouraged by watching other good marriages. It’s also not really anger either. Occasionally I get mad about the situation and vent to friends or have it out with God. But even with God, as counter-whatever it may seem, I’ve always felt like He gets that grief more than anyone. And He has seen me through so many years and I don’t doubt He will continue to do so. So there’s no one or nothing really to be mad at.
No, I think the main thing I feel is just that ache of sadness. Sad that I’m still walking this road. Sad that it is downright exhausting at times doing life on your own. Sad that I have absolutely no idea or hint of what lies ahead. Sad because I would just love the chance to love. Sad that there’s a decent chance that might never happen for me.
Some days, my heart just aches.
The response
I’m not going to package this up with a nice pretty bow and a list of 5 steps for how to handle these moments. Because if I read that in someone else’s post, it would probably make me cringe. But mostly because, like I said, I honestly don’t think there’s a ton to “do”.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I call a friend, sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just snuggle with my dog, sometimes I make myself a bowl of my favorite egg drop soup. But most times, I try my best to just be present in the moment and listen to my heart. Sometimes a specific issue will rise to the surface about being single that I need to deal with, maybe on my own, or with God, or something I should bring up with a group of friends or a therapist or something. But I’ve come to find that most of the time, I’m usually just sad and that’s all there is to it.
And that’s ok.
So yeah. I’m still that someone who’s all about enjoying life being single, and feeling empowered and chasing after dreams and living life to the fullest. But I’m also someone who has spent plenty of time in the valleys, learning the outlines of the shadows that come with this territory when all seems lost. And I’ve come to believe these moments are just as important as the highs.
But as my old pastor used to say, the worst thing is never the last thing. And somehow, the light and joy that come with the morning always come again. Always.
So to any of you dear friends who find yourself in the midst of those hard days, I raise my glass to you and the courage and strength it takes to get through. And I offer that you’re not alone. And remind you — and myself — that it will get better.
It will.
I’ve just found this while googling loneliness and sadness. I’m so glad I had a chance to read this and also most of other people’s comments. Even though I feel mostly as you described, it is somewhat easier to see that I’m not alone. Lots of people are going through similar emotions and long time single life. Sometimes I ask God what is wrong with me, is this some kind of punishment maybe? I don’t know…I will try to go one foot in front of the other one day at the time.
I’m only 23 years old but your post made me bawl. Almost all of my friends are married, one is already pregnant with her second kid. And I can’t get a normal date. It is crushing. I have always been boy crazy, always dreamed of getting married really young and having lots of kids. That can still happen, but I feel so hopeless. The pain of seeing happy couples and knowing I may never have that is soul crushing. I am aware that there are plenty of people who are single at my age and I am very young. My post may sound absurd to some people who are far older than me. Still, I am so desperate for a relationship. This article helped me so so much. Thank you for expressing so beautifully how I feel – and congrats on finding your lovely husband.
Really helpful and well articulated article. Thank you for sharing!
I love your recipes, but happened upon this singleness series the other day. It is so thoughtfully written and has given me a new outlook on being single. Also, the part about the show Parenthood was spot on!
I found this post after googling, “I’m sad about being single.” When I saw “Gimme Some Oven” in the search results I got excited. “You mean the same person who wrote the vegan gluten-free carrot cake birthday cake recipe that I’ve relied on FOR YEARS also wrote a post about being single?” Squee! I relate on every level. And now I’m comforted. Thank you.
Oh my gosh, where to start?? This is 100% exactly what I needed right now. I’m 35, single, and for the most part I’m very happy with my life – it’s just that one missing piece of not having my “person” that makes my heart ache more on certain days (like today). The grief, heartache, and sadness are all too real and hard to explain to those who aren’t single. You summed up everything I feel so well and it just helps to know that other people feel the same way. Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤
Wow. I almost could have written this. I’m approaching 40 and never even kissed anyone. Thank God I don’t have to grieve not having kids. Didn’t ever want them. I’ve been crying over being single since my late 20s and only now figured out it’s because I’m single and truly grieving it. I thought I was just bored or that it was part of depression. I cry more and more as time goes by. Especially Friday nights through to Sunday. Deep deep pain. Pastors have been less than helpful. Most tell me maybe I shouldn’t seek marriage. Hey, if they ended up in a bad marriage that doesn’t mean I will. I’m single because I won’t settle. I doubt my marriage would be anything but bliss if I could just find Mr. Right cause I will weed out anyone immature and uncooperative.
Everyone needs to be loved at one time or another. At least when you’re married with a family it really does make you feel wanted and loved, especially for many of us men that weren’t that very extremely lucky and blessed at all to meet the right good woman for us since we always would’ve wanted that as well. It really makes you wonder why so many others were that lucky? Were they more special than us? Why not many of us too? Very difficult to answer all those question since God really blessed them? Maybe God really hates us for some unknown reason. We really are no different at all like the others. So why not us? There are many of us good single men out there which i will never understand why women don’t choose us at all. Then again if this had been the good old days then many of us men definitely would’ve met a good woman since many women back then were the very complete opposite of today, and real ladies as well which made love very easy to find at that time. Our family members were very lucky to be born in those days since they met one another with no problem at all. Very very easy finding love back then. Many of us were just doomed to be single unfortunately which it wasn’t even our choice at all. God what in the world did we do that was so bad? And why did you create us if we weren’t meant to find love at all? Not fun at all being single and alone these days. And a very excellent reason for us to really hate the holidays when they come around.
I needed to read this today. I had one of those all day on and off crying spells about my long term single status. I’m recently in my forties. Of course everyone I work with has spouses, kids, dogs, houses and big family vacations. It’s not that I don’t experience joy for others but it’s excruciating when everyone on work calls talk about their families. I have nothing to contribute and feel as empty as humanly possible. Forget about talking to someone who has never gone any length of time on their own. They’ll tell you about their marital woes which I’d trade any day for my questionable existence. They’ll try to pep talk you about how amazing you and your life are. Ok, if I’m so great why did no one snatch me up? If single life is not undesirable why does everyone seek out marriage? They also get recognition from their social circle and society that they’re loved, normal, worthy and special to have a significant other. To the people that are married and tell you that happiness comes from within ask them why they paired up then if they are so happy from within? Honestly, if someone else doesn’t contribute to your happiness bucket why isn’t the entire world living on their own? I’m even more mystified by people that have been married several times. Really? You get multiple opportunities at a special connection/soulmate love and the rest of us can’t get one. I run through the whole gamut of self-deprecating questions. Am I unloveable, missing some essential ingredient in my composition? Did God forget about me or punish me for some bad act? IDK about anyone else but it is often the little things that chip away at my soul like the emergency phone number field or when the friend from your past contacts you and tells you about their rich, meaningful life and you have nothing to write about in response. I work, rent an apartment, see friends here and there, workout and lounge. The end. I’ll readily admit there are worse circumstances than being single like major health issues, war and death. Still, if I were to rank perpetual singledom on a pain scale it would be on the really $hitty end of the spectrum. I’m sorry to anyone that is trying to cope with this ambiguous loss.
Thank you for this breath taking article you’ve truly expressed how I feel about being single by the words grief and heartache. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m okay abd there’s so many tries that causes the grief and heartache to come no matter how hard I try. I even try to explain to my friends how I felt and they constantly tell me “ Stop searching just wait you’re young you will find someone”. It’s bring back that grief to keep being reminded that every year I age (21 currently). I cry so much go ing in deep into how I feel being single and this article explains it exceptionally. I will try to show this to my friends to see how I feel everyday from being single for 21 years and never been in a date either.
Meant triggers not tried **
Agreed!! “You’re so young” is not a comfort. Yes I’m young now but I’m getting older – and I am lonely right now, in the present. I hope you find someone special soon.
How amazing to read your post. I came across it after having one of those moments you described.This evening 3 couples and I had a meal together. I felt so tearful by the end. I am now 64 never married and trying to trust and lean on the Lord. The heartache is so deep.
Thank you so much for putting into words what I have experienced for a long time.
The Lord bless you!
That sounds like an incredibly painful experience. You’re strong for having agreed to attend that dinner. Keep trusting in God, and I hope you find someone soon. There is a reason for all suffering.