I never quite know when those moments will come, when the weight of being single will come crashing down upon my chest.
Those moments have been fewer and farther between over the past few years.
But without fail, they always come.
And boy, they’ll knock the wind out of you.
The moments
For me, it’s always moments. I’ve never been one to really get down and stay down for days or weeks on end about being single. It’s more random moments that hit fast and hit hard, and then take awhile to process and bounce back from.
I wish I could say that I have learned over the years to predict when those moments will come. Sure, there are some of the obvious triggers like weddings, or holidays, or even just scrolling through Facebook feeds filled with happy couples and babies and families galore. But more often than not, it is the tiniest of things that unexpectedly cause a catch in my throat and fill my eyes with tears. Like watching a couple I’m with exchange a knowing look and smile. Or coming home with some great news with no one there waiting. Or waking up for the thousandth morning in a row next to an empty pillow. Or walking into church or a party or gathering alone. Or watching freaking Parenthood, where even watching the roller coaster of those relationships leaves me wishing I had a Joel or Adam or Crosby of my own.
It’s like grief, the way those feelings sneak up on you without warning and then instantly overtake you. And while sometimes I’m in public or in the middle of a project and have to just block out those feelings and press on, I have learned from experience over the years that it’s best to just ride out the wave. And not overanalyze everything. Because after days or weeks or years of staying strong and holding it together, usually the best thing in the world is to yield to the grief and let it out.
The grief
For those who aren’t single, I know it might sound melodramatic to associate being single with grief. But I have come to believe that’s exactly what it is at times.
Let me be clear. I love my life, single and all. And I have written a handful of times on here before about how I’ve found many things about the single life to be empowering and awesome. And I absolutely believe in living life — wherever it finds you — to the fullest. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still would love to be married, and that I have dreamed dreams and hoped hopes over the years that simply were left unmet. And I grieve those things.
I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to experience young love and marriage like so many of my friends, and alongside so many of those friends. I grieve the fact that I didn’t get to meet my husband when we were in the smooth-skinned, wrinkle-free, heads-full-of-hair, bursting-with-energy “prime” of our youth. I grieve that a guy never got to see me lead worship in my first job, and I never got to cheer him on with his first promotion, and stay up late dreaming and planning where our careers would lead. I grieve that we didn’t get to choose all of our “firsts” together — first city, first home, first set of pots and pans, first Craigslisted-couch, first dog, first car, first broken toilet that we fix together, and on and on. I grieve that — even if I do meet someone — we will in some ways be years behind so many of my peers in experiencing all of those “firsts” of marriage, and being newlyweds, and starting a family, and quite simply just getting to really know everything about each other. I grieve that my age is becoming an increasing factor in whether or not having kids of our own would even be possible. I grieve that there is no one on the horizon.
Sure, I can play devil’s advocate on all of these. And I often do with myself, because I absolutely know that the years I’ve been single have (for the most) part been wonderful. And if a guy does happen to come along in the future, I also know that relationship will be great in its own special way. But that doesn’t discount the fact that I had dreams of how I hoped things would go. And when those dreams or prayers were not answered as I had hoped, something deep inside me just aches.
The heartache
Really, that’s the best word I can use to describe the really hard days and moments that I have being single. It’s heartache, in the most literal and emotional way. You know the feeling, when a weight presses down on your chest so hard that you can barely breathe, and then somehow buries deep into your soul? That kind of ache.
It’s not really jealousy. Trust me, I struggle with jealousy and comparison in all sorts of other areas of life. But with relationships, I’ve strangely always been encouraged by watching other good marriages. It’s also not really anger either. Occasionally I get mad about the situation and vent to friends or have it out with God. But even with God, as counter-whatever it may seem, I’ve always felt like He gets that grief more than anyone. And He has seen me through so many years and I don’t doubt He will continue to do so. So there’s no one or nothing really to be mad at.
No, I think the main thing I feel is just that ache of sadness. Sad that I’m still walking this road. Sad that it is downright exhausting at times doing life on your own. Sad that I have absolutely no idea or hint of what lies ahead. Sad because I would just love the chance to love. Sad that there’s a decent chance that might never happen for me.
Some days, my heart just aches.
The response
I’m not going to package this up with a nice pretty bow and a list of 5 steps for how to handle these moments. Because if I read that in someone else’s post, it would probably make me cringe. But mostly because, like I said, I honestly don’t think there’s a ton to “do”.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I call a friend, sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just snuggle with my dog, sometimes I make myself a bowl of my favorite egg drop soup. But most times, I try my best to just be present in the moment and listen to my heart. Sometimes a specific issue will rise to the surface about being single that I need to deal with, maybe on my own, or with God, or something I should bring up with a group of friends or a therapist or something. But I’ve come to find that most of the time, I’m usually just sad and that’s all there is to it.
And that’s ok.
So yeah. I’m still that someone who’s all about enjoying life being single, and feeling empowered and chasing after dreams and living life to the fullest. But I’m also someone who has spent plenty of time in the valleys, learning the outlines of the shadows that come with this territory when all seems lost. And I’ve come to believe these moments are just as important as the highs.
But as my old pastor used to say, the worst thing is never the last thing. And somehow, the light and joy that come with the morning always come again. Always.
So to any of you dear friends who find yourself in the midst of those hard days, I raise my glass to you and the courage and strength it takes to get through. And I offer that you’re not alone. And remind you — and myself — that it will get better.
It will.
This post is exactly what I needed to read at this moment. Just knowing that I’m not alone in my path. It is amazing how you describe the feelings of being single in your 30s (I am 32) because it’s so real. And that’s exactly how it feels. Trying my best to just live in the moment and enjoy my life but I experience those difficult days too. Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing your experience!
Thank you for writing this blog, this is exactly how it feels…
Oh, I forgot to mention that a scripture I’m repeating to myself is Isaiah 54:5 ESV:
For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
I’ve always been very close to God as Father, because mine left when I was three. This is a new concept, but not unheard of in my experience. I’ve had the pleasure of being around some very happily “married” Catholic Nuns. I will strive now to be as happily “married” married to the Lord as they, and I will rejoice in His perfect care of me.
I derived some comfort from reading this post, because sometimes I think I’m weird, perhaps, hoping and praying for a male companion and friend. I’ve been single for almost thirty years, and I miss being married. I miss having the daily presence of a man in my life. For me the longing and discontent with being single started about a year ago. I don’t going about moping, but in the quiet I realize that I am very adrift and alone. I adore being with my girlfriends of twenty, thirty and more years. I have many friends among my church family. And my grandsons are my greatest love. But there also the only males I’ve kissed for many years.
I’ve been trying online dating. That’s been an interesting experience, but so far I’ve been approached by several con artists – it’s a dangerous world at these websites, so be careful! – and flirted with many men. But so far not one single thirty minute meet & greet at Starbucks in nine months. So, I’ve decided that it just isn’t meant for me. I’ve put in my profile that I’ve been married and I’ve been single, but I would prefer married. But despite the amazing numbers of great sounding guys available in my age group – I’m 61 – looking for women my age, apparently it just isn’t going to happen for me.
So, I’ll read your articles and change my prayers to become at peace with spending the next thirty or more years alone. I come from a long lived family, so my singleness will extend a long, long time. I found you at a good time.
Thank you for putting into words the ghosts that have been floating around in my head for decades. I copied your text: “I think the main thing is just an ache of sadness. Sad that I’m still walking this road. Sad that it is downright exhausting at times doing life on your own. Sad that I have absolutely no idea or hint of what lies ahead. Sad because I would just love the chance to love. Sad that there’s a decent chance that might never happen for me. Some days, my heart just aches.” and I placed it in my phone so I can reach for it when my mind goes South. Thank you, soul sister. Godspeed ❤
Thank you Diane, it means a lot to me that this resonated with you and has give you some hope and some light. Hang in there, and thank you for reading and for taking the time to share this with me! All the best.
i’ve spent some time reading through recipes on your blog thanks to pinterest, but something else brought me here tonight.
i’m having one of those moments.
here it is, the middle of the night, and i just can’t get past it. i signed up for online dating tonight to get my mother and sister to quit pressuring me about being single. then i went home. panicked. stressed. cancelled it. i didn’t know what to do next, but i knew i needed some encouragement. i googled “when being single is hard” and this post was the very first thing i saw.
it was the very thing i needed.
you just said everything i’ve been feeling for years and years. of course i’m grieving! but it never occurred to me until i read it. i, like you, love my single life. i like the freedom, being able to do what i want, when i want. but. i’m also obsessed with babies. totally and completely obsessed. so much that the loss of not having any causes me heartache. i do fine most of the time, but after hearing countless comments about how old i am and how my nephews want cousins to play with and “i saw this christian dating website commercial and i think you should do it” i’m having a moment when being single just feels hard.
since you ended your post with a positive, how could i not do the same?
psalm 62:5 “for god alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.”
much love to you <3
meghan
Wow! Thank you for this. It was like you too every thought from my mind and put it on paper. I am 34 years old and still single to the point where I think it will never happen for me. Right now I am working on accepting that and seeing what my life will be like with this new reality. I am constantly beeting myself up for the sad/hurt feelings I do have and it is encouraging to know that I am not alone in these feelings – but it saddens me that you feel them to because at times it really hurts. Thankyou for your gone style and encourgement within that.
Ali –
I just stumbled on this post and I have to say it brought tears to my eyes because you touch on the very thing I am going through – I often go through – in such an elegant, graceful way. I totally get ‘the moments’, the heartaches (in non-jealousy, non-bitter ways), all the worries about timing and my/our age fast becoming a huge factor…everything. Being single is not “nice” but it is nice to know there is someone who knows how it feels sometimes and can offer such words of encouragement. Thank you for posting this, you’re an inspiration.
Hugs and love to you.
Di
Ali:
I just came across this post while searching “soup” on your website(looking for that comfort soup?!), and I’m so thankful that I did. It’s like you said everything I think and I feel every. single. day. I feel like I am the perpetually single friend, and that can get so hard, but I am also so grateful that I am able to have the experiences that I do. I just turned 30 and am hoping my life will take that turn to husband/kids/happily ever after, but for now I will constantly remind myself to enjoy the moments that I have right now.
Thank you for writing this honest, honest post and also for your amazing recipes. Your website has become a happy place for me =) Xo
I can’t believe how you’ve written each and every single emotion that I’m going through in my life. None of what you’ve described is different in my life. I’m glad that I got an opportunity to read my own emotions through your article. Although I’ve read several articles written for single women, nothing looked realistic like yours. Thank you so much. I’m going to read your other articles as well.